Now I Know

At least now I know a thing or two about what I will and won't do when I have kids of my own.

Just sayin'.

The Light

So it took me a total of one night of fitful sleep to fall right back into the poetic dreamer obsessed with how beautiful everything is that I used to be. Just one night back here at my parents' house and my heart as become both lighter and heavier all at the same time. Everything here is so beautiful and I quickly start feeling like I'm just going to burst because I can't hold all the beauty in. I want to take pictures of everything... I need a real camera. That's what I want for Christmas: A nice camera. Not just a point-and-shoot, but a camera with a real lense that's meant to take real pictures.

For now all I can do is take pictures with my phone, which I will probably post here as soon as I get them cleaned up and such. It's super cold outside so I can only stay out there for so long taking pictures before I need to come warm up.

Anyway, the light right now is stunning, so I'm heading back out to take more pictures.

Let beauty in. Let polution out.

In Utah

It's so nice to be away from all the chaos at the house. I don't miss feeling like I barely exist, getting interrupted constantly or feeling like I've started to become an extension of Sara. I don't miss much, actually. I do miss the warmth. As of right now it's 28 degrees here in Utah... Not fun. I've only smoked once since being here simply because it's too damn cold to go outside.

I dream of the day when I can afford an apartment of my own. I dream of the day when I can decorate how I want and never have to look at another shabby chic thing again. I dream of being able to do what I want, when I want without the fear of being harshly judged.

One day...

Child Neglect

I swear I'm on the verge of calling Child Protective Services.

(posted from samsung continuum) I

White Flag Warriors

"We'd rather make our children

Martyrs than murderers.

We'd rather make our children

White flag warriors."

- "White Flag Warriors" by Flobots

I'm feeling really anxious and tense today. Every joint in my body hurts. My joint pain has been so much worse than usual for about a week now and I'm not sure why. It's terribly painful... Sara keeps telling me to take pain killers, but what she doesn't know is that I'm already taking Aleve like they're candy. I haven't been sleeping well, either. I have weird dreams that are gone the moment I wake up, but the feeling they leave behind is unpleasant. I wish I could remember what they were about...

I remember when I used to write and draw and type for hours upon hours, trying desperately to release the boiling ink in my sternum... Now days I feel like, no matter what I do, I can't get it out. I can feel that dark time in my life creeping back into my veins.

I'm Feeling Selfish

I'm going to go out and I'm going to get fast food for myself with the small amount of money that I have. I want to go out by myself and get whatever I want and eat it alone. I love Sara, but sometimes I've just had enough. She's working late tonight, so I'm going to do whatever I want while she's gone.

I expect it to feel good.

Pen Pal

I've got a pen pal in England!

:D

Stress

I've come to the conclusion that I don't handle stress very well. Especially if it's stress over money. I'm in debt a total of $1,954.05 without counting the insurance on my truck and the fact that I have to register my truck by the end of the month. I know that, compared to most people, almost $2,000 in debt isn't that bad, all things considered... But for me? It's bad. I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to pay it. In fact, I can't pay everything. I'm not working enough hours because I'm on light duty due to an injury to my shoulder at work. Not to mention the bullshit I'm currently going through with the specialty doctor I saw. I won't even start to get into that one. Let's just say that I feel like that doctor's office chewed me up and spit me out.

Back to the issue at hand: I don't want to go back to this God-forsaken job that I barely have. I loathe my job. I loathe it entirely with a hatred that eats at my soul. Again, that may sound melodramatic (surprise, surprise) but I'm serious. I can feel that job eating up everything in me that makes me me, and I'm all about preserving the me in me these days. Isn't that the most important thing in life? I mean, there are parts of myself and my life that I am willing to sacrifice for the greater good, but in the end don't I have to maintain the me at my core? If there's no me, then who am I? What am I?

Alas, despite my desperate need to maintain the me, I'll likely have to go back to work full time. Working my flesh to the bone, working my sanity into insanity, and working my me into a them. I'm not pleased. Just the thought of it makes me want to hop a train and go live in a forest somewhere in Maine and never speak to another human being again... But what else can I do? I have bills to pay, a girlfriend to satisfy, dogs to take care of, societal responsibility to shoulder, growing-up to do, and submission to accept.

Fuck this.
I'll find a way out one day.

4chan

No matter what I do, I cannot make heads or tails of 4chan...

Honestly? I'm not 100% sure if I want to.

Who Does That?!

Someone totally ate 98% of the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms. Who does that?! I mean, seriously... They're not your Lucky Charms are they? No! So don't eat all the damn marshmallows and then just leave the regular cereal!

>.<

/rage

It's Too Early

So last night I went to check out Occupy Las Vegas's occupation site. It's small right now with only a few tents, but I have hope that it will grow. I have hope that we can make something happen. I want to take a tent out there and camp out with them. Sara doesn't approve. She said it's dangerous out there. I'm not really surprised that she doesn't understand how important all of this is, but I'm going to try talking to her about it today and see if I can get her to understand why this is so important to me. Then I will just need to ask her mom if it's okay if I borrow her six person tent for it.

(posted from samsung continuum)

Occupy Las Vegas

So, Occupy Las Vegas officially has an occupation site. I'm excited about this, but also slightly concerned about the movement itself here in Vegas. I'm going to the first general assembly(GA) meeting at the site tonight just to check in with things and see how it's going, but I'm worried that the Vegas chapter of these Occupy movements - which started in New York with Occupy Wall Street - is being too mild. Maybe it is too early for civil disobedience, but the location we got for the occupation seems to be working exactly right into the hands of those trying to keep us quiet without seeming directly like they are doing just that. I'm also concerned that Occupy Las Vegas has some problems with self-appointed leaders...

I won't get too into it, but basically I'm worried that the entire Occupy movement is going to fizzle out. What happens when the weather in New York prevents protesters from occupying anymore? The responsibility of keeping the movement going will fall squarely on the shoulders of those of us living in cities with milder winters, where we can continue to occupy even while New York is unable to. Will we be able to carry that responsibility? Will we be able to carry on the momentum and keep the movement from dying? Not to mention my fear of us ending up like The Tea Party movement... Becoming affiliated with specific government candidates...

This isn't about Democrats vs. Republicans, this is about the corruption and greed in this country. This is about the fact that our congress is bought. Money has more say than people do.

So, basically, I'm going to go check up on Occupy Las Vegas and if my concerns are put to rest and the movement here is still something I can get behind, the next time I visit the occupation site, I'll have a tent. I'm ready to occupy if it turns out that the time is right.

Update Coming Soon

I Miss Having a Cat

... don't tell my dogs ...

I've always been more of a dog person than a cat person. I was raised around dogs and cats, but the dogs were always the main parts of our lives. Other than Midnite, my mom's cat, who is a female, long-hair, black cat that my mom has had since she was born. I've never really liked long-hair cats - their fur ALWAYS seems to be on my nose, no matter what I do - but I love short-hair cats. Especially grey, striped ones.

Unfortunately, Sara is allergic to cats and I already have two dogs. Not to mention, Sara loves kittens and hates cats. She also loves puppies but hates dogs - except for my dogs; but only when they're being cute; she hates them otherwise.

Another weird thing:

Sara hates spaghetti noodles, but loves angel hair noodles.

Does that make any fucking sense?!

I Drank All the Coffee

I guess I'm starting this blog as a kind of diary, if you will. I desperately need somewhere to release my thoughts and emotions where they won't be judged or misinterpreted or shrugged off like they're worthless. If I had friends, I'd talk to them... But I'm running awfully low in the friend department; especially ones that live near me that I can physically hang out with, complain to and ugly cry around.

I've been extraordinarily moody lately. The last couple of days, really. Sara just blames it on the fact that I'm going to start my period in a week, and of course she's not completely wrong, but there's more to it than that. Sara now has two jobs while I barely have one. I feel like an asshole about it, too... But it wasn't that long ago that it was me working like a dog while she barely had a job, so I guess I shouldn't feel too terrible. The biggest problem is that she keeps trying to gently tell me that I need to go back to regular duty at work. I can't do it. It's plain and simple. I just can't.

Aria housekeeping is serious fucking business, and even though Sara tells me that I'm not going to find another job that pays that much - and I know she's right - it still doesn't make it any easier to think about. Not only can I not physically sustain this job for any extended period of time, but I cannot emotional sustain this job for any extended period of time. Even though I've told Sara over and over again how miserable the job makes me and how I can't physically keep doing it and how I can't emotionally keep doing it and that I'm trying to find another job to help sustain us, she still tells me I need to go back... Why? "Because we need the money."

Is it so wrong of me to be pissed off that she is basically telling me that my health and my feelings don't mean as much as the income does? Should money mean more than my health and my feelings? Should I be one of the mindless sheople that simple accept that they will be saddled with a shitty job for the rest of their lives just so that they can scrape by, paycheck to paycheck? No. That's fucking stupid to me. Why do you think I've been getting as involved as possible with OccupyLasVegas.org?

Anyway, I won't get into politics just yet, but you get my point.

Maybe my pride is too big for its shoes, but I can't stomach the thought of selling my soul. There is no price that is worth my soul, my health, my emotional stability. I'm too ideological. I'm too much of a dreamer. Maybe I come off as melodramatic, but damnit! This shit means something to me, just like there's things that mean something to Sara that I don't understand. I respect them anyway, because I know what it's like to have your ideals, your feelings, and your thoughts shrugged off as if they are nothing. Maybe my ideals mean nothing to Sara, but she has some ideals that mean nothing to me... Do I shrug them off? No. I respect them because I know they are important to her. Is it so terrible to ask the same?

One more clip of a thought before I end this post:
Sometimes I feel like she's trying to mold me... Like she's trying to fit me into a shape that isn't quite my own but that fits better with her life... Every now and then I get this creeping suspicion that she's trying to change me into what she wants me to be. It scares me, because I've gotten lost as a result of being molded before. I lose myself so easily when I love someone. I let them change me and I let my pieces be altered because it makes the other person happy... I don't want that to happen again. I want someone who accepts me for who I am and I do hope that Sara is that someone. I do love her and I don't want to lose her, but I won't stick around if she's just going to stamp out what makes me me.

--> TL;DR <--
In the event that this post was too long, here's the cliff notes.

• Started this blog as a sort of diary.
• Been very moody lately.
• Housekeeping fucking sucks.
• Feeling shrugged aside.
• Am I being molded into someone less me and more her?

The Classic "First Post"

I'm not going to lie, this post is basically just so that I can choose a template that I think looks good.

I made eggs, toast, and coffee this morning for breakfast. Eggs always bring up memories of a girl I dated. I'm sure she knows who she is.

Anyway, I think an introduction is in order?

Name: Andrea Effin' Robinson
Age: 21-years-old
Birthday: January 25, 1990
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Gender: Female
Orientation: Lesbian
Status: In a Relationship
Since: January 11, 2011
Pets: Female Boston Terrier Mix(Boo) & Male AKC Dachshund(Zim)
Hobbies: Reading, Writing, FPS Video Games, The Apocalypse, Longboarding

There. The introduction is out of the way and now I have a post to assist in choosing a template.