"Let Go" by Frou Frou

Drink up, baby doll
Are you in or are you out?

Leave your things behind

'Cause it's all going off without you.

Excuse me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy

These mishaps

You bubble-wrap

When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]

So let go, let go

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go

Just get in

Oh, it's so amazing here

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives

And then it rises with the fall

So and me that remote

Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?

Such boundless pleasure

We've no time for later

Now you can't await

Your own arrival

You've twenty seconds to comply

[Chorus:]

So let go, let go

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's alright

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go

Just get in

Oh, it's so amazing here

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[Background sounds]


[Chorus:]
So let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

I was a heavy heart to carry

I can't stop listening to Heavy In Your Arms by Florence + The Machine.

It's such an awesome song and I think I could have got so totally lost in it if I had first heard it just a few short weeks ago, but right now I'm just enjoying that that's not how I feel.

Really, it's the opposite of how I feel.

I think I'm too light.

Too flighty.

I'm wrestling with my resolve to maintain my goal of staying single for an entire year and it's mostly because my horoscope told me that if I just alter my goal a little and see it as a challenge, that I will succeed and things will be wonderful.

Isn't that just so typically me?

Fuck making life decisions. Let's let some random-ass horoscope decide what I should do with my life instead.

I'm so moldable.

Anyway, I was talking to Amy about how we should make a pact to stay single together, and you know what she said? She said, "I just don't want to miss a good thing." It really sunk in my chest. She's right in a very real sense.

I've always felt like my biggest flaw was that I just loved too much. How fucked up is that? How can you count loving as a flaw?! Why should I feel obligated to spend an entire year "mourning" over Sara? And, really, I think that was my inspiration behind my "Stay Single" goal. I don't owe Sara anything. I especially don't owe her another year of my life.

I'm going to do what makes me happy and I'm going to keep doing it until it doesn't make me happy anymore. What's the point in doing anything else? I mean, really... What is life except a string of moments? Why not enjoy them each as they pass to the best of my ability?

Of course there are a lot of things I need to work on about myself, which is why I'm still going to make an effort to stay single. I'm just not going to have a specific amount of time that I'm going to try to stay single. Who knows how long it will take me to reign in my emotions and gain the ability to build a relationship in opposition to tumbling heart-first into one?

And I don't want to miss a good thing just because of some stupid resolve to prove a point.

Besides, knowing me, having a goal to stay single will only make me want a relationship even more.

I'm going to go ahead and be honest:

I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to get hurt.

What I'm afraid of is not falling in love and not getting hurt and being left to wonder "What if..?"

I'm afraid that if I don't keep loving the way I do (whether you think it's reckless or not) that I'm going to forget what loving feels like. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my emotions. It's true that sometimes I sincerely wonder if my emotions will just rip right out of me and leave my body like the worthless little lump of flesh that it is, and it's also true that sometimes I just want to not feel for a little while to escape the intensity of my raging passion... But honestly? I am my emotions. If that's too much for the world to swallow, then fuck 'em.

They can choke.

They can go right ahead and choke on my passion and my emotional honesty and my indisputable ability to move on. I've broken heart after heart along the way, but what the hell do you know? My heart's been broken, too. The only difference is that I break it myself, and you can go ahead and decide for yourself if you think that's better or worse than having someone else break it. You can go right ahead and decide if disappointing no one but yourself is better than disappointing everyone else.

Day 14

I've been told three times since moving to Salt Lake that I seem older, calmer, and just plain better. They say that I seem to have learned so much during my time in Vegas. At first I felt good about that, but now I'm beginning to realize that I may be older and calmer, but I'm not better. I'm just more resigned. I don't care as much. My passion has dwindled and there's no more fire in me.

I chased her for four years. Four years. I still love her, but I neglected our relationship and I neglected the spark between us and it died. The love faded and I can't even blame her. I know it's my fault because I didn't nurture what we had... I didn't cherish it the way I should...

And now I'm stuck cherishing something that's already gone and trying to just get through the mourning period and step away from it.

It hurts so bad.

I don't complain to my friends and I don't show them that I feel like ripping my heart out every time I remember her or anything that has to do with her. I cuddle with Amy every chance I get in an attempt to muffle the raging ache in my sternum. It helps a little, but I'm worried that if I keep using her comfort as something to fill the hole in my life that I'll end up clinging to her and I'll never deal with my problems.

I can't use Amy as a shield against what hurts inside me.

I know I will eventually have to deal with these feelings, but I'm still clinging to the hope that keeping constant company and staying busy will just force the ache away for long enough that I'll forget how much it hurts. I'm trying to create a life that doesn't have memories of Sara in it because I can't face the pain of knowing that I neglected something so terribly that I loved so much.

Sometimes I wish someone else read this.

Sometimes I wish Sara read it.

Most of the time, though, I'm glad I have somewhere private to file away my emotions.

Day 12

I'm doing okay.

I spend a lot of time alone, which I think is probably a good thing since I'm working on being okay alone. Sometimes it just gets really hard to be alone when I'm thinking about Sara. I'm working through it, though. I clean to keep myself occupied. Not that anything stays clean, but still.

But yeah...

I don't have much to say today. Maybe I'll have more to say later.

For now I'm just going to go clean.

Day 9

It's Day 9.

Things got a little rough last night and a "Miss you..." text wiggled its way out of me.

I didn't get a real response from it, but I didn't expect to.

Still sucks.

As for my living situation:

It's been good to see Amy again. We've had our issues with each other, but I don't even remember what any of those issues were about anymore. She's pulled through for me, and I couldn't thank her enough.

She's living with a roommate. His name is Justin and he's definitely a player. We get along well-enough; when he's sober. When he's drunk he's kind of an asshole and does some pretty stupid shit and is a bit of a creep, but he seems to be a decent guy at least.

The apartment is cluttered, desperately needs to be swept, and the plumbing has got some serious issues but it could definitely be worse. It's got nice hardwood floors that look really pretty if you let some sunlight in. It gets cold at night and there's not much to eat, but Amy's a poor college student so it's completely understandable and it's really not bad. I can go out on the little deck to smoke and there's plenty of grass out front to take Boo out. There's a vegan cupcake shop literally right across the street that I haven't had the chance to check out yet, there's a bus stop right outside, a TRAX station on the corner and a Jimmy John's right down the street. It's a great location.

I'm going to get school stuff taken care of on Monday if at all possible and start going to SLCC to at least get my generals done. They don't have much in the way of classes, but if I just declare an english major or something then I should get grants and I can just focus on getting generals out of the way.

It feels good to be getting back on my feet; if "back" is really an appropriate word. I'm not really sure if I have ever been truly on my own feet. Yes, I'm getting help from Amy right now and I very greatly appreciate it, but what I mean is that I'm doing this for me. I'm focusing on improving my life. I'm not worried about having someone in my bed at night. I'm worried about where my life would be if I had stayed on the same track... So I'm switching tracks and putting away my hitch. Haha. I'm not in this to hitch up with someone else and make them happy. I need to make me happy and figure out my life - to the extent that anyone can really figure out their life - and if I get to the point where I've established who I am and I find someone who's established who they are and we have some kind of chemistry together, then I'll consider hitching up.

Until then, I'm not worried about it.

I've got bigger fish to fry.

Day 7

It's Day 7 here in Singleville.

I've contained the hurt inside me.

It's still there, but I am far more in control of when it can hurt me.

All things considered..?

I'm doing okay.

I'm okay.

It turns out I want to write slam poetry.

Maybe I'll figure out how.

I've Got a Snowy Future

After an extensive Pros & Cons list comparing Vegas, Cedar and Salt Lake as well as lots of thinking and lots of talking with friends and family... A decision has been reached.

I'm moving to Salt Lake City, UT.

The only real downside to this choice is that I can't take my dogs, and - believe me - it was a downside that I thought about very, very carefully. My dogs are like my kids. They are members of my family... But I had to make a choice, and I made one based on these questions:

•  Do I have the time for two dogs?
•  Can I comfortably keep two dogs where I'll be living?
•  Can I afford to care for two dogs?
•  What would be best for Zim and Boo?

It's not an easy thing to realize, but I really just don't think that it's fair to my poor dogs for me to tote them around everywhere I go without really thinking about what's best for them.

My plan in Salt Lake is to get a part-time job and go to school, so I won't have the time my dogs need me to have. I'll be living in an apartment with no yard where they will likely have to be in kennels a lot of the time, so I wouldn't really be able to comfortably keep the dogs. I won't have a job for at least a little while, and once I do get a job it will only be part time and probably minimum wage, so I wouldn't be able to afford caring for two dogs. Not to mention the person I'll be staying with is allergic to dogs.

So, I have to do what's best for me as well as what's best for my dogs.

It's a hard-as-hell choice, but it had to be made.

EDIT:
Boo is coming with me to Salt Lake, at least for a little while to see if she'll fit into my new life. Zim will be staying with my mom. I just can't justify putting Boo through being adopted. She's so sensitive and skittish that I'm afraid she'd become a different, miserable dog. So she's coming with me and we'll see if it works out.

Day 5

It's Day 5 here in Singleville.

I'm doing okay.

There was no crying yesterday and last night the migraine I had prevented me from even thinking about anything except forcing myself to sleep. I've still got a nasty little headache today, so crying is out of the question because I know it will only make the headache worse. I'm glad I have enough of a level head to make these decisions and stick to them.

I'm still having a hard time keeping myself from wondering if I could get her back... But I'm determined to move on.

Defying Gravity

The jacket she left in my truck doesn't even smell like her.

It just smells like us.

Day 1

I didn't want to see this coming... So I guess I just chose not to...

It hurts all the same.

She said, "I just don't have the passion for it anymore."

You can't argue with that...

I guess really at this point I'm mostly just tired. The reality of it hasn't hit me yet, but it will.

Oh, yeah... It will.

You and I Collide

Don't let this phase push me away...

Now I Know

At least now I know a thing or two about what I will and won't do when I have kids of my own.

Just sayin'.

The Light

So it took me a total of one night of fitful sleep to fall right back into the poetic dreamer obsessed with how beautiful everything is that I used to be. Just one night back here at my parents' house and my heart as become both lighter and heavier all at the same time. Everything here is so beautiful and I quickly start feeling like I'm just going to burst because I can't hold all the beauty in. I want to take pictures of everything... I need a real camera. That's what I want for Christmas: A nice camera. Not just a point-and-shoot, but a camera with a real lense that's meant to take real pictures.

For now all I can do is take pictures with my phone, which I will probably post here as soon as I get them cleaned up and such. It's super cold outside so I can only stay out there for so long taking pictures before I need to come warm up.

Anyway, the light right now is stunning, so I'm heading back out to take more pictures.

Let beauty in. Let polution out.

In Utah

It's so nice to be away from all the chaos at the house. I don't miss feeling like I barely exist, getting interrupted constantly or feeling like I've started to become an extension of Sara. I don't miss much, actually. I do miss the warmth. As of right now it's 28 degrees here in Utah... Not fun. I've only smoked once since being here simply because it's too damn cold to go outside.

I dream of the day when I can afford an apartment of my own. I dream of the day when I can decorate how I want and never have to look at another shabby chic thing again. I dream of being able to do what I want, when I want without the fear of being harshly judged.

One day...

Child Neglect

I swear I'm on the verge of calling Child Protective Services.

(posted from samsung continuum) I

White Flag Warriors

"We'd rather make our children

Martyrs than murderers.

We'd rather make our children

White flag warriors."

- "White Flag Warriors" by Flobots

I'm feeling really anxious and tense today. Every joint in my body hurts. My joint pain has been so much worse than usual for about a week now and I'm not sure why. It's terribly painful... Sara keeps telling me to take pain killers, but what she doesn't know is that I'm already taking Aleve like they're candy. I haven't been sleeping well, either. I have weird dreams that are gone the moment I wake up, but the feeling they leave behind is unpleasant. I wish I could remember what they were about...

I remember when I used to write and draw and type for hours upon hours, trying desperately to release the boiling ink in my sternum... Now days I feel like, no matter what I do, I can't get it out. I can feel that dark time in my life creeping back into my veins.

I'm Feeling Selfish

I'm going to go out and I'm going to get fast food for myself with the small amount of money that I have. I want to go out by myself and get whatever I want and eat it alone. I love Sara, but sometimes I've just had enough. She's working late tonight, so I'm going to do whatever I want while she's gone.

I expect it to feel good.

Pen Pal

I've got a pen pal in England!

:D

Stress

I've come to the conclusion that I don't handle stress very well. Especially if it's stress over money. I'm in debt a total of $1,954.05 without counting the insurance on my truck and the fact that I have to register my truck by the end of the month. I know that, compared to most people, almost $2,000 in debt isn't that bad, all things considered... But for me? It's bad. I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to pay it. In fact, I can't pay everything. I'm not working enough hours because I'm on light duty due to an injury to my shoulder at work. Not to mention the bullshit I'm currently going through with the specialty doctor I saw. I won't even start to get into that one. Let's just say that I feel like that doctor's office chewed me up and spit me out.

Back to the issue at hand: I don't want to go back to this God-forsaken job that I barely have. I loathe my job. I loathe it entirely with a hatred that eats at my soul. Again, that may sound melodramatic (surprise, surprise) but I'm serious. I can feel that job eating up everything in me that makes me me, and I'm all about preserving the me in me these days. Isn't that the most important thing in life? I mean, there are parts of myself and my life that I am willing to sacrifice for the greater good, but in the end don't I have to maintain the me at my core? If there's no me, then who am I? What am I?

Alas, despite my desperate need to maintain the me, I'll likely have to go back to work full time. Working my flesh to the bone, working my sanity into insanity, and working my me into a them. I'm not pleased. Just the thought of it makes me want to hop a train and go live in a forest somewhere in Maine and never speak to another human being again... But what else can I do? I have bills to pay, a girlfriend to satisfy, dogs to take care of, societal responsibility to shoulder, growing-up to do, and submission to accept.

Fuck this.
I'll find a way out one day.

4chan

No matter what I do, I cannot make heads or tails of 4chan...

Honestly? I'm not 100% sure if I want to.

Who Does That?!

Someone totally ate 98% of the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms. Who does that?! I mean, seriously... They're not your Lucky Charms are they? No! So don't eat all the damn marshmallows and then just leave the regular cereal!

>.<

/rage

It's Too Early

So last night I went to check out Occupy Las Vegas's occupation site. It's small right now with only a few tents, but I have hope that it will grow. I have hope that we can make something happen. I want to take a tent out there and camp out with them. Sara doesn't approve. She said it's dangerous out there. I'm not really surprised that she doesn't understand how important all of this is, but I'm going to try talking to her about it today and see if I can get her to understand why this is so important to me. Then I will just need to ask her mom if it's okay if I borrow her six person tent for it.

(posted from samsung continuum)

Occupy Las Vegas

So, Occupy Las Vegas officially has an occupation site. I'm excited about this, but also slightly concerned about the movement itself here in Vegas. I'm going to the first general assembly(GA) meeting at the site tonight just to check in with things and see how it's going, but I'm worried that the Vegas chapter of these Occupy movements - which started in New York with Occupy Wall Street - is being too mild. Maybe it is too early for civil disobedience, but the location we got for the occupation seems to be working exactly right into the hands of those trying to keep us quiet without seeming directly like they are doing just that. I'm also concerned that Occupy Las Vegas has some problems with self-appointed leaders...

I won't get too into it, but basically I'm worried that the entire Occupy movement is going to fizzle out. What happens when the weather in New York prevents protesters from occupying anymore? The responsibility of keeping the movement going will fall squarely on the shoulders of those of us living in cities with milder winters, where we can continue to occupy even while New York is unable to. Will we be able to carry that responsibility? Will we be able to carry on the momentum and keep the movement from dying? Not to mention my fear of us ending up like The Tea Party movement... Becoming affiliated with specific government candidates...

This isn't about Democrats vs. Republicans, this is about the corruption and greed in this country. This is about the fact that our congress is bought. Money has more say than people do.

So, basically, I'm going to go check up on Occupy Las Vegas and if my concerns are put to rest and the movement here is still something I can get behind, the next time I visit the occupation site, I'll have a tent. I'm ready to occupy if it turns out that the time is right.

Update Coming Soon

I Miss Having a Cat

... don't tell my dogs ...

I've always been more of a dog person than a cat person. I was raised around dogs and cats, but the dogs were always the main parts of our lives. Other than Midnite, my mom's cat, who is a female, long-hair, black cat that my mom has had since she was born. I've never really liked long-hair cats - their fur ALWAYS seems to be on my nose, no matter what I do - but I love short-hair cats. Especially grey, striped ones.

Unfortunately, Sara is allergic to cats and I already have two dogs. Not to mention, Sara loves kittens and hates cats. She also loves puppies but hates dogs - except for my dogs; but only when they're being cute; she hates them otherwise.

Another weird thing:

Sara hates spaghetti noodles, but loves angel hair noodles.

Does that make any fucking sense?!

I Drank All the Coffee

I guess I'm starting this blog as a kind of diary, if you will. I desperately need somewhere to release my thoughts and emotions where they won't be judged or misinterpreted or shrugged off like they're worthless. If I had friends, I'd talk to them... But I'm running awfully low in the friend department; especially ones that live near me that I can physically hang out with, complain to and ugly cry around.

I've been extraordinarily moody lately. The last couple of days, really. Sara just blames it on the fact that I'm going to start my period in a week, and of course she's not completely wrong, but there's more to it than that. Sara now has two jobs while I barely have one. I feel like an asshole about it, too... But it wasn't that long ago that it was me working like a dog while she barely had a job, so I guess I shouldn't feel too terrible. The biggest problem is that she keeps trying to gently tell me that I need to go back to regular duty at work. I can't do it. It's plain and simple. I just can't.

Aria housekeeping is serious fucking business, and even though Sara tells me that I'm not going to find another job that pays that much - and I know she's right - it still doesn't make it any easier to think about. Not only can I not physically sustain this job for any extended period of time, but I cannot emotional sustain this job for any extended period of time. Even though I've told Sara over and over again how miserable the job makes me and how I can't physically keep doing it and how I can't emotionally keep doing it and that I'm trying to find another job to help sustain us, she still tells me I need to go back... Why? "Because we need the money."

Is it so wrong of me to be pissed off that she is basically telling me that my health and my feelings don't mean as much as the income does? Should money mean more than my health and my feelings? Should I be one of the mindless sheople that simple accept that they will be saddled with a shitty job for the rest of their lives just so that they can scrape by, paycheck to paycheck? No. That's fucking stupid to me. Why do you think I've been getting as involved as possible with OccupyLasVegas.org?

Anyway, I won't get into politics just yet, but you get my point.

Maybe my pride is too big for its shoes, but I can't stomach the thought of selling my soul. There is no price that is worth my soul, my health, my emotional stability. I'm too ideological. I'm too much of a dreamer. Maybe I come off as melodramatic, but damnit! This shit means something to me, just like there's things that mean something to Sara that I don't understand. I respect them anyway, because I know what it's like to have your ideals, your feelings, and your thoughts shrugged off as if they are nothing. Maybe my ideals mean nothing to Sara, but she has some ideals that mean nothing to me... Do I shrug them off? No. I respect them because I know they are important to her. Is it so terrible to ask the same?

One more clip of a thought before I end this post:
Sometimes I feel like she's trying to mold me... Like she's trying to fit me into a shape that isn't quite my own but that fits better with her life... Every now and then I get this creeping suspicion that she's trying to change me into what she wants me to be. It scares me, because I've gotten lost as a result of being molded before. I lose myself so easily when I love someone. I let them change me and I let my pieces be altered because it makes the other person happy... I don't want that to happen again. I want someone who accepts me for who I am and I do hope that Sara is that someone. I do love her and I don't want to lose her, but I won't stick around if she's just going to stamp out what makes me me.

--> TL;DR <--
In the event that this post was too long, here's the cliff notes.

• Started this blog as a sort of diary.
• Been very moody lately.
• Housekeeping fucking sucks.
• Feeling shrugged aside.
• Am I being molded into someone less me and more her?

The Classic "First Post"

I'm not going to lie, this post is basically just so that I can choose a template that I think looks good.

I made eggs, toast, and coffee this morning for breakfast. Eggs always bring up memories of a girl I dated. I'm sure she knows who she is.

Anyway, I think an introduction is in order?

Name: Andrea Effin' Robinson
Age: 21-years-old
Birthday: January 25, 1990
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Gender: Female
Orientation: Lesbian
Status: In a Relationship
Since: January 11, 2011
Pets: Female Boston Terrier Mix(Boo) & Male AKC Dachshund(Zim)
Hobbies: Reading, Writing, FPS Video Games, The Apocalypse, Longboarding

There. The introduction is out of the way and now I have a post to assist in choosing a template.