"Let Go" by Frou Frou

Drink up, baby doll
Are you in or are you out?

Leave your things behind

'Cause it's all going off without you.

Excuse me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy

These mishaps

You bubble-wrap

When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]

So let go, let go

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go

Just get in

Oh, it's so amazing here

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives

And then it rises with the fall

So and me that remote

Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?

Such boundless pleasure

We've no time for later

Now you can't await

Your own arrival

You've twenty seconds to comply

[Chorus:]

So let go, let go

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's alright

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go

Just get in

Oh, it's so amazing here

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[Background sounds]


[Chorus:]
So let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

I was a heavy heart to carry

I can't stop listening to Heavy In Your Arms by Florence + The Machine.

It's such an awesome song and I think I could have got so totally lost in it if I had first heard it just a few short weeks ago, but right now I'm just enjoying that that's not how I feel.

Really, it's the opposite of how I feel.

I think I'm too light.

Too flighty.

I'm wrestling with my resolve to maintain my goal of staying single for an entire year and it's mostly because my horoscope told me that if I just alter my goal a little and see it as a challenge, that I will succeed and things will be wonderful.

Isn't that just so typically me?

Fuck making life decisions. Let's let some random-ass horoscope decide what I should do with my life instead.

I'm so moldable.

Anyway, I was talking to Amy about how we should make a pact to stay single together, and you know what she said? She said, "I just don't want to miss a good thing." It really sunk in my chest. She's right in a very real sense.

I've always felt like my biggest flaw was that I just loved too much. How fucked up is that? How can you count loving as a flaw?! Why should I feel obligated to spend an entire year "mourning" over Sara? And, really, I think that was my inspiration behind my "Stay Single" goal. I don't owe Sara anything. I especially don't owe her another year of my life.

I'm going to do what makes me happy and I'm going to keep doing it until it doesn't make me happy anymore. What's the point in doing anything else? I mean, really... What is life except a string of moments? Why not enjoy them each as they pass to the best of my ability?

Of course there are a lot of things I need to work on about myself, which is why I'm still going to make an effort to stay single. I'm just not going to have a specific amount of time that I'm going to try to stay single. Who knows how long it will take me to reign in my emotions and gain the ability to build a relationship in opposition to tumbling heart-first into one?

And I don't want to miss a good thing just because of some stupid resolve to prove a point.

Besides, knowing me, having a goal to stay single will only make me want a relationship even more.

I'm going to go ahead and be honest:

I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to get hurt.

What I'm afraid of is not falling in love and not getting hurt and being left to wonder "What if..?"

I'm afraid that if I don't keep loving the way I do (whether you think it's reckless or not) that I'm going to forget what loving feels like. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my emotions. It's true that sometimes I sincerely wonder if my emotions will just rip right out of me and leave my body like the worthless little lump of flesh that it is, and it's also true that sometimes I just want to not feel for a little while to escape the intensity of my raging passion... But honestly? I am my emotions. If that's too much for the world to swallow, then fuck 'em.

They can choke.

They can go right ahead and choke on my passion and my emotional honesty and my indisputable ability to move on. I've broken heart after heart along the way, but what the hell do you know? My heart's been broken, too. The only difference is that I break it myself, and you can go ahead and decide for yourself if you think that's better or worse than having someone else break it. You can go right ahead and decide if disappointing no one but yourself is better than disappointing everyone else.

Day 14

I've been told three times since moving to Salt Lake that I seem older, calmer, and just plain better. They say that I seem to have learned so much during my time in Vegas. At first I felt good about that, but now I'm beginning to realize that I may be older and calmer, but I'm not better. I'm just more resigned. I don't care as much. My passion has dwindled and there's no more fire in me.

I chased her for four years. Four years. I still love her, but I neglected our relationship and I neglected the spark between us and it died. The love faded and I can't even blame her. I know it's my fault because I didn't nurture what we had... I didn't cherish it the way I should...

And now I'm stuck cherishing something that's already gone and trying to just get through the mourning period and step away from it.

It hurts so bad.

I don't complain to my friends and I don't show them that I feel like ripping my heart out every time I remember her or anything that has to do with her. I cuddle with Amy every chance I get in an attempt to muffle the raging ache in my sternum. It helps a little, but I'm worried that if I keep using her comfort as something to fill the hole in my life that I'll end up clinging to her and I'll never deal with my problems.

I can't use Amy as a shield against what hurts inside me.

I know I will eventually have to deal with these feelings, but I'm still clinging to the hope that keeping constant company and staying busy will just force the ache away for long enough that I'll forget how much it hurts. I'm trying to create a life that doesn't have memories of Sara in it because I can't face the pain of knowing that I neglected something so terribly that I loved so much.

Sometimes I wish someone else read this.

Sometimes I wish Sara read it.

Most of the time, though, I'm glad I have somewhere private to file away my emotions.

Day 12

I'm doing okay.

I spend a lot of time alone, which I think is probably a good thing since I'm working on being okay alone. Sometimes it just gets really hard to be alone when I'm thinking about Sara. I'm working through it, though. I clean to keep myself occupied. Not that anything stays clean, but still.

But yeah...

I don't have much to say today. Maybe I'll have more to say later.

For now I'm just going to go clean.

Day 9

It's Day 9.

Things got a little rough last night and a "Miss you..." text wiggled its way out of me.

I didn't get a real response from it, but I didn't expect to.

Still sucks.

As for my living situation:

It's been good to see Amy again. We've had our issues with each other, but I don't even remember what any of those issues were about anymore. She's pulled through for me, and I couldn't thank her enough.

She's living with a roommate. His name is Justin and he's definitely a player. We get along well-enough; when he's sober. When he's drunk he's kind of an asshole and does some pretty stupid shit and is a bit of a creep, but he seems to be a decent guy at least.

The apartment is cluttered, desperately needs to be swept, and the plumbing has got some serious issues but it could definitely be worse. It's got nice hardwood floors that look really pretty if you let some sunlight in. It gets cold at night and there's not much to eat, but Amy's a poor college student so it's completely understandable and it's really not bad. I can go out on the little deck to smoke and there's plenty of grass out front to take Boo out. There's a vegan cupcake shop literally right across the street that I haven't had the chance to check out yet, there's a bus stop right outside, a TRAX station on the corner and a Jimmy John's right down the street. It's a great location.

I'm going to get school stuff taken care of on Monday if at all possible and start going to SLCC to at least get my generals done. They don't have much in the way of classes, but if I just declare an english major or something then I should get grants and I can just focus on getting generals out of the way.

It feels good to be getting back on my feet; if "back" is really an appropriate word. I'm not really sure if I have ever been truly on my own feet. Yes, I'm getting help from Amy right now and I very greatly appreciate it, but what I mean is that I'm doing this for me. I'm focusing on improving my life. I'm not worried about having someone in my bed at night. I'm worried about where my life would be if I had stayed on the same track... So I'm switching tracks and putting away my hitch. Haha. I'm not in this to hitch up with someone else and make them happy. I need to make me happy and figure out my life - to the extent that anyone can really figure out their life - and if I get to the point where I've established who I am and I find someone who's established who they are and we have some kind of chemistry together, then I'll consider hitching up.

Until then, I'm not worried about it.

I've got bigger fish to fry.

Day 7

It's Day 7 here in Singleville.

I've contained the hurt inside me.

It's still there, but I am far more in control of when it can hurt me.

All things considered..?

I'm doing okay.

I'm okay.

It turns out I want to write slam poetry.

Maybe I'll figure out how.

I've Got a Snowy Future

After an extensive Pros & Cons list comparing Vegas, Cedar and Salt Lake as well as lots of thinking and lots of talking with friends and family... A decision has been reached.

I'm moving to Salt Lake City, UT.

The only real downside to this choice is that I can't take my dogs, and - believe me - it was a downside that I thought about very, very carefully. My dogs are like my kids. They are members of my family... But I had to make a choice, and I made one based on these questions:

•  Do I have the time for two dogs?
•  Can I comfortably keep two dogs where I'll be living?
•  Can I afford to care for two dogs?
•  What would be best for Zim and Boo?

It's not an easy thing to realize, but I really just don't think that it's fair to my poor dogs for me to tote them around everywhere I go without really thinking about what's best for them.

My plan in Salt Lake is to get a part-time job and go to school, so I won't have the time my dogs need me to have. I'll be living in an apartment with no yard where they will likely have to be in kennels a lot of the time, so I wouldn't really be able to comfortably keep the dogs. I won't have a job for at least a little while, and once I do get a job it will only be part time and probably minimum wage, so I wouldn't be able to afford caring for two dogs. Not to mention the person I'll be staying with is allergic to dogs.

So, I have to do what's best for me as well as what's best for my dogs.

It's a hard-as-hell choice, but it had to be made.

EDIT:
Boo is coming with me to Salt Lake, at least for a little while to see if she'll fit into my new life. Zim will be staying with my mom. I just can't justify putting Boo through being adopted. She's so sensitive and skittish that I'm afraid she'd become a different, miserable dog. So she's coming with me and we'll see if it works out.

Day 5

It's Day 5 here in Singleville.

I'm doing okay.

There was no crying yesterday and last night the migraine I had prevented me from even thinking about anything except forcing myself to sleep. I've still got a nasty little headache today, so crying is out of the question because I know it will only make the headache worse. I'm glad I have enough of a level head to make these decisions and stick to them.

I'm still having a hard time keeping myself from wondering if I could get her back... But I'm determined to move on.

Defying Gravity

The jacket she left in my truck doesn't even smell like her.

It just smells like us.

Day 1

I didn't want to see this coming... So I guess I just chose not to...

It hurts all the same.

She said, "I just don't have the passion for it anymore."

You can't argue with that...

I guess really at this point I'm mostly just tired. The reality of it hasn't hit me yet, but it will.

Oh, yeah... It will.

You and I Collide

Don't let this phase push me away...