Too Tired

I'm too tired to really type much tonight, but I figured I should at least type something. I'd like to challenge myself to post here every single day, but I don't know if it would happen. We'll see.

I've been struggling really badly lately. I think I'm getting sick, which doesn't help, but I'm pretty sure I'm slumping down into being depressed... The real kind of depressed that doesn't seem to have any reason at all, but that makes you feel absolutely awful and keeps you from functioning like a contributing member of society.

Sara and I talk a lot. I think she may possibly entertain the idea of taking me back, which makes me really fucking happy. It's also kind of scary as well as thrilling sometimes. I mean, she's pregnant. She's going to have a baby in August. Of course I'd be ecstatic to help her raise the baby, but that brings on all kinds of parent worries, you know? Like... Would I make a good second mom? Would I be a bad influence? Would I be too controlling? That kind of stuff.

Mostly I just want to take care of Sara. I want to treat her like the princess she deserves to be treated as.

Anyway, my thoughts are all scattered little wisps and my brain is all fuzzy, so it's bed time. Goodnight.

Here's Sara's first baby bump picture:

14 Weeks

God damn.

This is the scariest, most exciting, most confusingly amazing time in my entire life.

Skype

Sara and I Skyped for like three hours last night. Maybe more. I missed that. When we were far away before, we used to video chat all the time. I forgot how easily it makes the miles between us melt away. At least until we both crawl into bed with our laptops instead of each other. It gets hard to be so far away then.

I miss having her in the same bed as me possibly more than anything else. I miss falling asleep cuddling her and waking up cuddling her. I miss her telling me that, even when I'm completely unconscious, if she scoots closer to me I automatically wrap my arms around her and hold her close. I miss the way she fits so well against my chest. I miss the conversations we'd have right before falling asleep. I miss reading with her. I miss the way she used to always need to be touching my skin, even if it was too hot to cuddle.

I don't only remember the good parts, of course. I still remember the way she'd make me feel like she didn't care about my emotions. I remember the way she'd belittle me and how she had no idea how to deal with it when I was emotional. I remember how pissed she'd get when I couldn't find the words to tell her why I was so upset. I remember her telling me to do better even when it meant sacrificing my morals and ideals.

I remember all of that, but I don't hold it against her. I still love her for every single part of her. I know I'm sure as hell not perfect. Who am I to say that she has to be?

We're not perfect for each other. We're not "soul mates" brought together by some cosmic fate. We're not the only two people that could ever be in love with each other. Love doesn't work like that. We're two people who share a connection - a deep, real connection. That will always keep us friends, but whether it keeps us from going any further than that or if it brings us back to being lovers remains to be seen. I'm hoping for the latter.

18 more days before we Sara finds out if Baby is a boy or a girl, provided Baby cooperates. I can't fucking wait.

Feeling Pretty Good

I'm feeling pretty good today.
I've had a huge boost in confidence recently.

Things are going to work out.

I can't fucking wait to meet Baby.

We find out if Baby is a boy or a girl in just a few weeks.

It feels like an eternity away.

Come on, Sara.

Realize that I have always come back to you.

I have always loved you.

I am still here.

I still love you.

There's no one in the world that is going to love you like I do...

Please.

My patience is unending.

<3

Unborn Letters

Dear Baby,

Though I haven't heard your heartbeat and you haven't heard my voice yet, I just want you to know that you are loved. So very loved. Your mama is the best mama you could have picked, Little One. She worries about you every single day and gets so nervous that she's going to lose you. She reads to you and talks to you and smiles for you. She handles the morning sickness you give her like a champ because she knows it's a tiny price to pay to one day soon get to hold you in her arms. You are her everything and she will never stop loving you or being there for you no matter what.

I love you, too and I can't wait to meet you. I've seen pictures of you inside your mom. You're still so tiny, but you are fully formed. Now you just need to get bigger. We don't know if you're a girl or a boy yet, but it hardly matters. You are going to be so beautiful. Your mom is absolutely stunning and your dad is definitely not ugly. I hope I get to hear your heartbeat soon. I hope I get to see you wiggle around on an ultrasound. I hope I get to feel your little kicks and stretches when you get big enough.

You see, I love your mama more than I have ever loved anyone, but I messed up and didn't give her the attention she deserved and she broke up with me. So I'm not there to watch you grow, even though your mama and I had plans to raise a family together. It's a strange situation, but I want you to know that I still love you with all of my heart and I will still do everything I can - and everything your mama allows - to be there for both you and your mama. What brought you into this existence doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you exist. You are already the most breathtakingly amazing thing I have ever seen. I can't understand how your dad doesn't want you.

Don't worry though, Baby. I am going to win your mama back. Your dad may not want you, but I've got enough love for both you and your mama that you will never know the difference. Your mama and you have my heart. You always will. Both of you. One day your mama will realize that there's no one in this entire planet that could possibly love her the way that I love her, and when she does, I'll be there waiting.

Always,

Me

Word of the Day: ANXIETY

Definition: I WANT TO PEEL MY OWN SKIN OFF WITH A RUSTY SPOON

I Ache

To hold both of you in my arms.

I still love you.

Goodnight.

Looking at Apartments

When I get a job, I'd like to move into a studio apartment.

Maybe a one bedroom, if the price is right.

I could finally have my own bed.

My own dishes.

My own food.

My own space.

My own furniture.

I'm not picky about the apartment.

So long as it's clean and in a convenient location.

I honestly just think I need to live alone for a while.

I need to define myself, and that's really hard to do when you're constantly surrounded by other people.

The Altering of a Beating Heart

So I typed a post up last night on my phone, but my phone is kind of a bitch sometimes and managed to lose it. I don't remember what it said because I was in the process of falling asleep when I wrote it, but I'm sure it was about Sara and the baby, who I've come to call D.P. since Sara likes to call it her Dark Passenger.

There are still some things that I'm not sure I'm ready to admit even to just myself, but I've been writing her letters that I have no intention of sending that explore those things. It feels kind of strange, but I think this whole situation has made me calmer and more determined.

I've got a life to get in order. It's the only way I can think to get myself closer to getting Sara back, pregnant or not. I'm in love with Sara and I can't imagine not loving this baby, no matter how it came into existence, because it is a part of her.

It's almost scary how quickly I accepted all of this and how much I long to be there. I ache to hear the baby's heartbeat. I ache to see the baby move on an ultrasound. I ache to hold Sara's hand when she's scared that she'll lose the baby and comfort her. I ache to be able to take care of Sara.

This is life-altering. Not only for Sara, but for me as well.

I thought surely my heart would burst when she first told me she was pregnant. I thought it would burst because suddenly all my love for her was kerosene and the news was a spark. Instead my heart just swelled and now houses all my love for Sara plus a constantly growing love for her baby.

Strange. So strange.
Yet pleasant.

3 Months Single

Last night as Jess and I were about to take a shot together, we decided we had to cheers to something. Jess held her shot glass up and said, "To being three months single."

Three months?! It still feels like it was only yesterday...

Unconditional

This is what unconditional love looks like.
<3

Have You Ever Climbed a Mountain?

Just to meet the sunrise?

I have.

Let's start climbing.

Sex

It's on my mind.

I need to get laid.

It's Been a While

I kind of forgot all about this blog, honestly. I'm not sure why. I miss having a place where I can release my thoughts and emotions without worry of being judged.

As it turns out, some pretty crazy shit has happened.

First of all, I'm a full time student at SLCC now with a political science major. I'm only about a month in, but I'm enjoying it. So far I've been able to keep up pretty well and I like all but one of my classes.

I moved out of the apartment with Amy. I'm now living with Jess. Amy and I, as it turns out, do not belong in confined spaces together. Jess is really sweet and so far easy to get along with. I don't expect we'll have any major problems, but then again I thought the same thing about Amy. Hopefully things work out.

I'm still jobless, which is really starting to cramp my style. It's almost funny how you can hate money so much when you don't have it. I'll be putting in more job applications today hopefully and I should have a resume typed up this weekend. That should hopefully help.

I still have Boo. She's doing pretty well and seems to still be happy. I like knowing that I'm giving her a good life.

I found out that Sara is pregnant. Like, for real. My first thought when I found out was, "Is this real life right now?" Things like this really make me step back and look at my life. When my emotions about the whole thing aren't ripping me apart, I have to just laugh. I mean, really? My life has been so crazy. It really gets to me and sometimes thinking about it totally consumes my consciousness. Even my subconsciousness. I dream about it every night now.

I think the biggest thing that's eating at me is that we once talked about starting a family together and now here she is having a baby without me. The father apparently wants nothing to do with either Sara or the baby, which makes all of this even harder. I want to be there. I want to step in and say, "Fuck this guy. I'll make a better dad anyway." I have to fight these feelings and remind myself that Sara doesn't love me anymore. She left me. I have to fight to keep from getting lost in this...

Secretly, though? My motivation for getting my life in order is thinking that one day I'll be able to step in and take care of both Sara and the baby. I'm still in love with her even if she's not in love with me, and I wonder if maybe one day that can be okay and I can still take care of her anyway.

Things are pretty heavy right now, but I'll grin and bear it. Life becomes so different when there's a children involved. It's not about you anymore... It's about this tiny, purely innocent human being and no matter what the problems of your past are, you have to do your best to minimize the problems this child will one day look back on. Some things are inevitable, but I'll be damned if I let a child feel unloved just because I'm caught up in my own selfishness.

Whew. I feel better now that I've typed this. I've had it bottled up and that just won't do. Feels good to let it out.

Now I just need to keep my chin up and my shoulders braced. I will survive this. Things will work out one way or another. They have to.

Note To Self:

Remember why and stay strong. One day everything will finally fall into place, but you've got to get all the pieces first.