Good Morning

I don't want to go to work today... Like, at all. I would rather just stay home and write or draw or blog or something. Ugh.

I can't fucking wait for my keyboard for my Surface to get here. This onscreen keyboard isn't terrible but it's much slower than what I could type if I just had a physical keyboard.

Anyway, I'm sitting here drinking coffee before I leave for work - really I probably should have already left, but fuck it - and trying to decide what I want to spend my $25 giftcard from a couple of my friends to JetPens.com and I've realized that I'm really bad at just making a decision. Mostly I think it's because there's so much to choose from and I'm weirdly obsessed with notebooks, but still... I'm going to have to put it off again. Maybe after work I can pick something. For now, I just need my keyboard and all the stuff I ordered from Amazon to get here already. I hate waiting for stuff.

Dallas Buyer's Club

I've decided I would really like to get back into blogging. I'm not entirely sure why, other than I guess I hope it will be cathartic. I used to blog or write all the time. Both, more often than not. I guess back in the day I used to have a lot to say.

Well anyway, I'm on my new Windows Surface tablet that I got for Christmas/my birthday. It's pretty and I'm really happy with it so far. I don't know if I've ever had anything this nice before that was all mine. I had a laptop that my parents got me for Christmas when I was 16 that lasted me about four years and since then I've only had cell phones and only older, cheaper ones. I'm actually feeling a little guilty about it, but I'm fighting it off. Strange that I'm always feeling so guilty about that type of thing. I shouldn't, should I? I shouldn't feel guilty for getting something nice sometimes?

Man, I don't even known what to blog about. I could tell you how awkward it is to watch movies with your mother in law and brother in law that have relatively graphic sex scenes in them, but I think even if you haven't experienced that first hand, you can imagine it. It's incredibly awkward.

Change

Wow, so much has changed since my last post... I'm not even sure where to begin...

I live in Vegas now with Sara, her brother Rich, her mom, and... Drum roll please...

Alexander Grey

Yep, Sara's pregnancy came to an end and this is the resulting, beautiful baby boy. He was born on Aug. 2nd, 2012, making him just a couple weeks shy of being 6 months old now. It's amazing, really... Watching him grow up and raising him with Sara... It's beautiful and wonderful. Of course it's also really fucking hard. Haha. I mean, being a parent is hard. You lose a lot of sleep. Like, a LOT of sleep.

I'm also working at Target now, which I actually enjoy most days. I don't get much in the way of pay, only about $300 a paycheck, but at least it's something. Sara is currently unemployed, so she stays home with the baby, but we want to be moved out of her brother's house before the end of this year... So I'm looking at having to get a second job and Sara is going to have to get a job. It breaks my heart, but we're going to have to put Xander into daycare in order for us to afford to be able to live in our own space.

Anyway, I don't really have time to type much of a post right now(I've got to leave for work in five minutes) so that's all for now, but I'll try to keep posting. I know, I've said that a thousand times before, so don't get your hopes up.

Too Tired

I'm too tired to really type much tonight, but I figured I should at least type something. I'd like to challenge myself to post here every single day, but I don't know if it would happen. We'll see.

I've been struggling really badly lately. I think I'm getting sick, which doesn't help, but I'm pretty sure I'm slumping down into being depressed... The real kind of depressed that doesn't seem to have any reason at all, but that makes you feel absolutely awful and keeps you from functioning like a contributing member of society.

Sara and I talk a lot. I think she may possibly entertain the idea of taking me back, which makes me really fucking happy. It's also kind of scary as well as thrilling sometimes. I mean, she's pregnant. She's going to have a baby in August. Of course I'd be ecstatic to help her raise the baby, but that brings on all kinds of parent worries, you know? Like... Would I make a good second mom? Would I be a bad influence? Would I be too controlling? That kind of stuff.

Mostly I just want to take care of Sara. I want to treat her like the princess she deserves to be treated as.

Anyway, my thoughts are all scattered little wisps and my brain is all fuzzy, so it's bed time. Goodnight.

Here's Sara's first baby bump picture:

14 Weeks

God damn.

This is the scariest, most exciting, most confusingly amazing time in my entire life.

Skype

Sara and I Skyped for like three hours last night. Maybe more. I missed that. When we were far away before, we used to video chat all the time. I forgot how easily it makes the miles between us melt away. At least until we both crawl into bed with our laptops instead of each other. It gets hard to be so far away then.

I miss having her in the same bed as me possibly more than anything else. I miss falling asleep cuddling her and waking up cuddling her. I miss her telling me that, even when I'm completely unconscious, if she scoots closer to me I automatically wrap my arms around her and hold her close. I miss the way she fits so well against my chest. I miss the conversations we'd have right before falling asleep. I miss reading with her. I miss the way she used to always need to be touching my skin, even if it was too hot to cuddle.

I don't only remember the good parts, of course. I still remember the way she'd make me feel like she didn't care about my emotions. I remember the way she'd belittle me and how she had no idea how to deal with it when I was emotional. I remember how pissed she'd get when I couldn't find the words to tell her why I was so upset. I remember her telling me to do better even when it meant sacrificing my morals and ideals.

I remember all of that, but I don't hold it against her. I still love her for every single part of her. I know I'm sure as hell not perfect. Who am I to say that she has to be?

We're not perfect for each other. We're not "soul mates" brought together by some cosmic fate. We're not the only two people that could ever be in love with each other. Love doesn't work like that. We're two people who share a connection - a deep, real connection. That will always keep us friends, but whether it keeps us from going any further than that or if it brings us back to being lovers remains to be seen. I'm hoping for the latter.

18 more days before we Sara finds out if Baby is a boy or a girl, provided Baby cooperates. I can't fucking wait.

Feeling Pretty Good

I'm feeling pretty good today.
I've had a huge boost in confidence recently.

Things are going to work out.

I can't fucking wait to meet Baby.

We find out if Baby is a boy or a girl in just a few weeks.

It feels like an eternity away.

Come on, Sara.

Realize that I have always come back to you.

I have always loved you.

I am still here.

I still love you.

There's no one in the world that is going to love you like I do...

Please.

My patience is unending.

<3

Unborn Letters

Dear Baby,

Though I haven't heard your heartbeat and you haven't heard my voice yet, I just want you to know that you are loved. So very loved. Your mama is the best mama you could have picked, Little One. She worries about you every single day and gets so nervous that she's going to lose you. She reads to you and talks to you and smiles for you. She handles the morning sickness you give her like a champ because she knows it's a tiny price to pay to one day soon get to hold you in her arms. You are her everything and she will never stop loving you or being there for you no matter what.

I love you, too and I can't wait to meet you. I've seen pictures of you inside your mom. You're still so tiny, but you are fully formed. Now you just need to get bigger. We don't know if you're a girl or a boy yet, but it hardly matters. You are going to be so beautiful. Your mom is absolutely stunning and your dad is definitely not ugly. I hope I get to hear your heartbeat soon. I hope I get to see you wiggle around on an ultrasound. I hope I get to feel your little kicks and stretches when you get big enough.

You see, I love your mama more than I have ever loved anyone, but I messed up and didn't give her the attention she deserved and she broke up with me. So I'm not there to watch you grow, even though your mama and I had plans to raise a family together. It's a strange situation, but I want you to know that I still love you with all of my heart and I will still do everything I can - and everything your mama allows - to be there for both you and your mama. What brought you into this existence doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you exist. You are already the most breathtakingly amazing thing I have ever seen. I can't understand how your dad doesn't want you.

Don't worry though, Baby. I am going to win your mama back. Your dad may not want you, but I've got enough love for both you and your mama that you will never know the difference. Your mama and you have my heart. You always will. Both of you. One day your mama will realize that there's no one in this entire planet that could possibly love her the way that I love her, and when she does, I'll be there waiting.

Always,

Me

Word of the Day: ANXIETY

Definition: I WANT TO PEEL MY OWN SKIN OFF WITH A RUSTY SPOON

I Ache

To hold both of you in my arms.

I still love you.

Goodnight.

Looking at Apartments

When I get a job, I'd like to move into a studio apartment.

Maybe a one bedroom, if the price is right.

I could finally have my own bed.

My own dishes.

My own food.

My own space.

My own furniture.

I'm not picky about the apartment.

So long as it's clean and in a convenient location.

I honestly just think I need to live alone for a while.

I need to define myself, and that's really hard to do when you're constantly surrounded by other people.