I was a heavy heart to carry

I can't stop listening to Heavy In Your Arms by Florence + The Machine.

It's such an awesome song and I think I could have got so totally lost in it if I had first heard it just a few short weeks ago, but right now I'm just enjoying that that's not how I feel.

Really, it's the opposite of how I feel.

I think I'm too light.

Too flighty.

I'm wrestling with my resolve to maintain my goal of staying single for an entire year and it's mostly because my horoscope told me that if I just alter my goal a little and see it as a challenge, that I will succeed and things will be wonderful.

Isn't that just so typically me?

Fuck making life decisions. Let's let some random-ass horoscope decide what I should do with my life instead.

I'm so moldable.

Anyway, I was talking to Amy about how we should make a pact to stay single together, and you know what she said? She said, "I just don't want to miss a good thing." It really sunk in my chest. She's right in a very real sense.

I've always felt like my biggest flaw was that I just loved too much. How fucked up is that? How can you count loving as a flaw?! Why should I feel obligated to spend an entire year "mourning" over Sara? And, really, I think that was my inspiration behind my "Stay Single" goal. I don't owe Sara anything. I especially don't owe her another year of my life.

I'm going to do what makes me happy and I'm going to keep doing it until it doesn't make me happy anymore. What's the point in doing anything else? I mean, really... What is life except a string of moments? Why not enjoy them each as they pass to the best of my ability?

Of course there are a lot of things I need to work on about myself, which is why I'm still going to make an effort to stay single. I'm just not going to have a specific amount of time that I'm going to try to stay single. Who knows how long it will take me to reign in my emotions and gain the ability to build a relationship in opposition to tumbling heart-first into one?

And I don't want to miss a good thing just because of some stupid resolve to prove a point.

Besides, knowing me, having a goal to stay single will only make me want a relationship even more.

I'm going to go ahead and be honest:

I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to get hurt.

What I'm afraid of is not falling in love and not getting hurt and being left to wonder "What if..?"

I'm afraid that if I don't keep loving the way I do (whether you think it's reckless or not) that I'm going to forget what loving feels like. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my emotions. It's true that sometimes I sincerely wonder if my emotions will just rip right out of me and leave my body like the worthless little lump of flesh that it is, and it's also true that sometimes I just want to not feel for a little while to escape the intensity of my raging passion... But honestly? I am my emotions. If that's too much for the world to swallow, then fuck 'em.

They can choke.

They can go right ahead and choke on my passion and my emotional honesty and my indisputable ability to move on. I've broken heart after heart along the way, but what the hell do you know? My heart's been broken, too. The only difference is that I break it myself, and you can go ahead and decide for yourself if you think that's better or worse than having someone else break it. You can go right ahead and decide if disappointing no one but yourself is better than disappointing everyone else.