Day 14

I've been told three times since moving to Salt Lake that I seem older, calmer, and just plain better. They say that I seem to have learned so much during my time in Vegas. At first I felt good about that, but now I'm beginning to realize that I may be older and calmer, but I'm not better. I'm just more resigned. I don't care as much. My passion has dwindled and there's no more fire in me.

I chased her for four years. Four years. I still love her, but I neglected our relationship and I neglected the spark between us and it died. The love faded and I can't even blame her. I know it's my fault because I didn't nurture what we had... I didn't cherish it the way I should...

And now I'm stuck cherishing something that's already gone and trying to just get through the mourning period and step away from it.

It hurts so bad.

I don't complain to my friends and I don't show them that I feel like ripping my heart out every time I remember her or anything that has to do with her. I cuddle with Amy every chance I get in an attempt to muffle the raging ache in my sternum. It helps a little, but I'm worried that if I keep using her comfort as something to fill the hole in my life that I'll end up clinging to her and I'll never deal with my problems.

I can't use Amy as a shield against what hurts inside me.

I know I will eventually have to deal with these feelings, but I'm still clinging to the hope that keeping constant company and staying busy will just force the ache away for long enough that I'll forget how much it hurts. I'm trying to create a life that doesn't have memories of Sara in it because I can't face the pain of knowing that I neglected something so terribly that I loved so much.

Sometimes I wish someone else read this.

Sometimes I wish Sara read it.

Most of the time, though, I'm glad I have somewhere private to file away my emotions.