It's Been a While

I kind of forgot all about this blog, honestly. I'm not sure why. I miss having a place where I can release my thoughts and emotions without worry of being judged.

As it turns out, some pretty crazy shit has happened.

First of all, I'm a full time student at SLCC now with a political science major. I'm only about a month in, but I'm enjoying it. So far I've been able to keep up pretty well and I like all but one of my classes.

I moved out of the apartment with Amy. I'm now living with Jess. Amy and I, as it turns out, do not belong in confined spaces together. Jess is really sweet and so far easy to get along with. I don't expect we'll have any major problems, but then again I thought the same thing about Amy. Hopefully things work out.

I'm still jobless, which is really starting to cramp my style. It's almost funny how you can hate money so much when you don't have it. I'll be putting in more job applications today hopefully and I should have a resume typed up this weekend. That should hopefully help.

I still have Boo. She's doing pretty well and seems to still be happy. I like knowing that I'm giving her a good life.

I found out that Sara is pregnant. Like, for real. My first thought when I found out was, "Is this real life right now?" Things like this really make me step back and look at my life. When my emotions about the whole thing aren't ripping me apart, I have to just laugh. I mean, really? My life has been so crazy. It really gets to me and sometimes thinking about it totally consumes my consciousness. Even my subconsciousness. I dream about it every night now.

I think the biggest thing that's eating at me is that we once talked about starting a family together and now here she is having a baby without me. The father apparently wants nothing to do with either Sara or the baby, which makes all of this even harder. I want to be there. I want to step in and say, "Fuck this guy. I'll make a better dad anyway." I have to fight these feelings and remind myself that Sara doesn't love me anymore. She left me. I have to fight to keep from getting lost in this...

Secretly, though? My motivation for getting my life in order is thinking that one day I'll be able to step in and take care of both Sara and the baby. I'm still in love with her even if she's not in love with me, and I wonder if maybe one day that can be okay and I can still take care of her anyway.

Things are pretty heavy right now, but I'll grin and bear it. Life becomes so different when there's a children involved. It's not about you anymore... It's about this tiny, purely innocent human being and no matter what the problems of your past are, you have to do your best to minimize the problems this child will one day look back on. Some things are inevitable, but I'll be damned if I let a child feel unloved just because I'm caught up in my own selfishness.

Whew. I feel better now that I've typed this. I've had it bottled up and that just won't do. Feels good to let it out.

Now I just need to keep my chin up and my shoulders braced. I will survive this. Things will work out one way or another. They have to.